


Geeses

by garroways



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Bad Puns, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Fluff, How Do I Tag, M/M, Texting, alec is a salty gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2018-11-28 07:50:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 12,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11413455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/garroways/pseuds/garroways
Summary: a group chat is made and it's a huge mess





	1. geeses

**Author's Note:**

> this is gonna be loosely based on my gcs im in, so these topics can 100% happen

_**simonlewis** named the group chat **geeses**_

**claryfairchild:** listen,

 **claryfairchild:** that wasn't my finest moment

 **aleclightwood:** why am i here 

 **izzylightwood:** ,, geeses

 **simonlewis:** clary saw some geese

 **simonlewis:** and yelled

 **simonlewis:** LOOK

 **simonlewis:** GEESES

 **claryfairchild:** i am sick of the disrespect

_**jacelightwood** added **magnusbane** to the conversation_

**aleclightwood:** ,, oh no

 **izzlightwood:** OH YES

 **magnusbane:** well hello

 **aleclightwood:** i gotta

_**aleclightwood** left the conversation_

**jacelightwood:** he jUST CAME INTO MY ROOM 

 **jacelightwood:** IF I DIE AVENGE ME

 **izzylightwood:** jace is screaming

 **jacelightwood:** im not ded

 **simonlewis:** unfortunately

 **jacelightwood:** fuck off

_**claryfairchild** added **aleclightwood** to the conversation_

**aleclightwood:**  (ง'̀-'́)ง

 **izzylightwood:** tf is that

 **aleclightwood:** its me

 **magnusbane:** so its adorable?

 **aleclightwood:** ,,,

 **jacelightwood:** i just heard a loud noise and now its silent

 **simonlewis:** alec ??

 **simonlewis:** are you ok

 **aleclightwood:** am i okay? no. am i crying? maybe. hotel? trivago.

 **magnusbane:** im just enjoying all of this

 **izzylightwood:** alec talk to ur boyfriend

 **aleclightwood:** HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND

 **magnusbane:** i could be

 **aleclightwood:** I JUST CHOKED

 **simonlewis:** i ship it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "im sick of the disrespect" is smth i say at least once a day
> 
> follow my instagram @clydesdonovan


	2. malec ???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> while i was practically finished with this chapter my phone decided to delete everything and after contemplating murder i had to rewrite it all,, luckily i remembered all of it.

**aleclightwood:** FUCK

 **claryfairchild:** wha

 **jacelightwood:** magnus just walked into the coffee shop we're at

 **izzylightwood:** go talk to him

 **aleclightwood:** NO

 **jacelightwood:** he's sliding down in his chair to hide

 **jacelightwood:** we're the only other people in this place

 **jacelightwood:** magnus saw us

 **aleclightwood:** shit he's calling me over

 **jacelightwood:** ill give you that play by play

 **simonlewis:** woo

 **jacelightwood:** magnus looks GOOD wow i see why alec always loses his shit

 **jacelightwood:** magnus is touching alec's arm

 **jacelightwood:** alec has a dopey ass smile on his face

 **jacelightwood:** magnus asked him smth

 **jacelightwood:** alec just turned into a tomato

 **jacelightwood:** magnus is smiling now

 **jacelightwood:** and he's leaving

 **aleclightwood:** FUCK

 **claryfairchild:** WHAT HAPPENED

 **aleclightwood:** I HAVE A DATE ???

 **izzylightwood:** woo !!!

 **simonlewis:** next step; bang him

 **jacelightwood:** next step; get married

 **izzylightwood:** next step; have children

 **claryfairchild:** next step; joint suicide

 **jacelightwood:** romeo and juliet who

 **izzylightwood:** what's their ship name

 **claryfairchild:** malec ???

 **izzylightwood:** MALEC

 **aleclightwood:** i hate all of you

 **simonlewis:** when is your wedding ??

 **aleclightwood:** when's yours and jace's wedding ????

 **simonlewis:** W HAT

 **jacelightwood:** we haven't even gone on a date yet

 **simonlewis:** speaking of,,

 **simonlewis:** jace do you wanna go on a date?

 **izzylightwood:** [gay gasp]

 **jacelightwood:** with you?

 **simonlewis:** yes

 **jacelightwood:** fuck yea

 **simonlewis:** !!!

 **aleclightwood:** simon could you do me a favor and fight me

 **jacelightwood:** alec no

 **simonlewis:** ill fight you

 **izzylightwood:** no you wont

 **simonlewis:** yes i will

 **claryfairchild:** no you won't

 **simonlewis:** maybe i will

 **jacelightwood:** no you wont

 **simonlewis:** no i wont

 **izzylightwood:** ok so the malec wedding

_**izzylightwood** added **magnusbane** to the conversation_

**aleclightwood:** oh 

 **magnusbane:** hello dearest how are you

 **aleclightwood:** hello i am ready to fight simon

 **magnusbane:** what did he do now

 **simonlewis:** wow

 **izzylightwood:** he asked jace out

 **magnusbane:** oh?

 **simonlewis:** he said yes!

 **magnusbane:** are you sure?

 **simonlewis:** WOW

 **simonlewis:** i am SICK of the DISRESPECT

 **jacelightwood:** it may be surprising but i actually like simon

 **jacelightwood:** like a lot

 **jacelightwood:** so fuck off alec

 **izzylightwood:** snatched

 **aleclightwood:** sorry

 **aleclightwood:** simon if u hurt him

 **simonlewis:** you'll kick my ass i know

 **aleclightwood:** no he'll kick your ass

 **izzylightwood:** its true ive seen it

 **claryfairchild:** finally simons had a stupid crush on jace for so long

 **jacelightwood:** oh ???

 **simonlewis:** clary shut the fuck up

 **jacelightwood:** no pls i wanna hear this

 **claryfairchild:** so when he saw you guys the first thing he said was "holy shit i love hot people"

 **izzylightwood:** thanks

 **claryfairchild:** then followed with "that tall one is gorgeous but he looks like he'll kick my ass look how anGRY HE IS"

 **aleclightwood:** accurate

 **magnusbane:** dont let him fool you he's actually soft

 **aleclightwood:** i could kick your ass

 **magnusbane:** i know, darling

 **jacelightwood:** alec is choking on his coffee

 **claryfairchild:** ANYWAY

 **claryfairchild:** he then said "she's hot but she's the one you have a crush on"

 **izzylightwood:** ooo you had a crush on me ???????

 **claryfairchild:** isabelle we're dating

 **izzylightwood:** still

 **claryfairchild:** moving on,,

 **claryfairchild:** then he got to jace

 **jacelightwood:** ((((;

 **simonlewis:**  shit

 **claryfairchild:** and he said, i shit you not, "i would love to sit on his face"

 **aleclightwood:** OH MY GOD

 **simonlewis:** OH NO

 **izzylightwood:** IM CHOKING

 **magnusbane:**  OH

 **jacelightwood:** i would love for you to sit on my face

 **aleclightwood:** EW

 **claryfairchild:** SIMON IS SCREAMING

 **jacelightwood:** he'll definitely be screaming later

 **aleclightwood:** IM LEAVING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "next step; bang [him]" and "next step; get married" are the irl quotes in this chapter
> 
> follow my instagram @clydesdonovan


	3. what the fuck is an otp

_**aleclightwood** has left the conversation_

**jacelightwood:** simon what did u do now

 **simonlewis:** i didnt even do anything this time

 **magnusbane:** that was me

 **izzylightwood:** technically it was me

 **magnusbane:** yes, thank you for that, dear.

 **claryfairchild:** ??

 **magnusbane:** so, you know how alec and i have been,,, whatever this is for a while now?

 **jacelightwood:** yes ?

 **claryfairchild:** mhm

 **magnusbane:** well, i wanted to make it official and ask him to be my boyfriend.

 **izzylightwood:** its about damn time

 **simonlewis:** you haven't made it official yet ?

 **magnusbane:** i didn't want to scare him away

 **claryfairchild:** makes sense

 **jacelightwood:** so why are you telling us this

 **magnusbane:** you're his family and i thought you would want to know?

 **jacelightwood:** fair enough

 **magnusbane:** alright, i'm going to add him back. talk a little so we don't raise any suspicion.

 **izzylightwood:** he's in the shower we have a while before he's back

_**magnusbane** added **aleclightwood** to the conversation_

**jacelightwood:** are you coming over now 

 **magnusbane:** yes

 **izzylightwood:** he should be out by the time you get here

 **jacelightwood:** if he isnt he will once he knows you're here

 **jacelightwood:** ive seen him try to get out of the shower so fast he fell

 **jacelightwood:** and the best part is he tried to grab the water 

 **simonlewis:** HAHA I CAN IMAGINE THAT

 **jacelightwood:** i laughed so hard im pretty sure i pulled something

 **izzylightwood:** shit he's getting out

 **claryfairchild:** wow how about the goblet of fire ????

 **simonlewis:** i love how they said dumbledore asked calmly

 **simonlewis:** in the movie he fucking YELLED

 **claryfairchild:** dumbledore: *shoving people into tables*

 **claryfairchild:** dumbledore: haRRY DId YoU pUT YOUR naME IN THe gOBLEt oF FIYAH ?????

 **jacelightwood:** he definitely wont read past this

 **magnusbane:** wow what does he have against harry potter?

 **claryfairchild:** he finds it unrealistic

 **izzylightwood:** oh yeah i can't imagine what would be unrealistic about WIZARDS 

 **aleclightwood:** are u talkin shit

 **simonlewis:** alec !!

 **aleclightwood:** ugh

 **simonlewis:** wow,,,

 **jacelightwood:** alec u have a visitor

 **aleclightwood:** hhhh

 **izzylightwood:** im in the kitchen ill give u a play by play

 **claryfairchild:** amazing

 **izzylightwood:** ok alec just came out

 **simonlewis:** he's been out

 **jacelightwood:** simon

 **simonlewis:** sorry

 **izzylightwood:** magnus is asking him now wow straight to the point 

 **claryfairchild:** smh no foreplay at all

 **izzylightwood:** ALEC IS CHOKING

 **jacelightwood:** jfc

 **izzylightwood:** ok he's recovered

 **izzylightwood:** he said yes !!

 **claryfairchild:** !!!

 **izzylightwood:** MAGNUS JUST KISSED HIM

 **simonlewis:** OH

 **claryfairchild:**  I NEED PICS I CANT MISS THEIR FIRST KISS 

 **izzylightwood:** _image attached_

 **claryfairchild:** !!!!!!

 **izzylightwood:** ok alec looks like he's gonna pass the fuck out

 **simonlewis:** if he dies what's gonna be on his tombstone

 **jacelightwood:** cause of death: kissing magnus bane

 **aleclightwood:** STOP MAKING FUN OF ME

 **izzylightwood:** HI BIG BROTHER

 **magnusbane:** i'm just going to save that picture

 **aleclightwood:** why did u take a pic

 **izzylightwood:** clary wanted to see

 **aleclightwood:** that's weird ????

 **claryfairchild:** yo i couldn't miss my otp having their first kiss

 **aleclightwood:** what the fuck is an otp

 **simonlewis:** one true pairing

 **aleclightwood:** ?????

 **magnusbane:** they like us together, dear. 

 **aleclightwood:** you're all weird and creepy and obsessed with my love life

 **jacelightwood:** this is your first relationship of course we're gonna be obsessed with it

 **aleclightwood:** jace

 **magnusbane:** first, huh?

 **aleclightwood:** ,,

 **aleclightwood:** is that weird

 **magnusbane:** i think it's sweet. 

 **izzylightwood:** AW

 **magnusbane:** i'm also hoping to be your last.

 **izzylightwood:** aaand alec's choking again

 **simonlewis:** how is he ever gonna survive this relationship

 **aleclightwood:** i wont

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i couldn't figure out how to add pics so just imagine the picture is the 213 hello kiss
> 
> the dumbledore joke and alec grabbing the water to attempt to save himself from falling are both things ive done irl
> 
> follow my instagram @clydesdonovan pls


	4. heterostraight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all these spoilers from 215 are leaning more and more towards the episode being the reason i die

**simonlewis:** sup losers

 **aleclightwood:** what the fuck do you want

 **simonlewis:** rude ?????

 **jacelightwood:** he's a lil salty

 **aleclightwood:** im SICK of this

_**jacelightwood** added **magnusbane** to the conversation_

**aleclightwood:** jace im gonna walk my ass over there and kick you in the fucking throat

 **simonlewis:** feisty 

 **izzylightwood:** why do we always have to add him back

 **aleclightwood:** he always leaves bc u guys talk ALL NIGHT

 **magnusbane:** am i finally going to hear the story about the heterostraight you encountered today

 **izzylightwood:** heterostraight

 **jacelightwood:** weren't you with them

 **magnusbane:** yes but i wasn't with them at that time and alexander refused to tell me what happened

 **claryfairchild:** alec and i were at the store buying shit for izzy's party and someone saw us and said we were such a beautiful couple

 **claryfairchild:** and i starTED LAUGHING

 **claryfairchild:** ALEC AND I ARE BOTH HOMOSEXUALS 

 **aleclightwood:**  CLARY DIDNT EVEN DENY IT ????

 **aleclightwood:** SHE SAID THANK YOU

 **claryfairchild:** AND ALEC WAS LIKE 

 **claryfairchild:** ",,, i have a boyfriend"

 **aleclightwood:** AND THIS FUCKING WHITE LADY

 **aleclightwood:** LOOKED ME IN MY FUCKING FACE

 **aleclightwood:** AND SAID "oh no! you two would make beautiful children!"

 **claryfairchild:** ALEC LOOKED SO OFFENDED AND I WAS ON THE FLOOR

 **claryfairchild:** AND ALEC SAID "i could make children with my boyfriend that are even more beautiful"

 **aleclightwood:** she didnt think thats possible,,, she looked at me like i just told her i found the cure for death

 **simonlewis:**  THE CURE FOR DEATH

 **claryfairchild:** THEN MAGNUS MET UP WITH US AND KINDA LEANED INTO ALEC AND THE LADY WAS LIKE ?????

 **claryfairchild:** AS IF SHE WASNT TOLD THREE SECONDS AGO THAT ALEC HAD A BOYFRIEND

 **claryfairchild:** AND ALEC JUST WRAPPED HIS ARM AROUND MAGNUS' SHOULDERS AND KISSED HIS CHEEK AND THE LADY LOOKED EVEN MORE SHOOK

 **aleclightwood:** then i flipped her off

 **claryfairchild:** HE DID

 **claryfairchild:** AND HE SAID "i gotta gay- gO- go i gotta go"

 **izzylightwood:** who knew alec was a glee stan

 **aleclightwood:**   (ง'̀-'́)ง

 **claryfairchild:** AND AFTER HE LEFT I SAID "it was nice meeting you but i need to go finish shopping for my girlfriends birthday" 

 **claryfairchild:** AND SHE CHOKED

 **aleclightwood:** do i need to walk around in full rainbow so people stop telling me i look like clary's boyfriend

 **simonlewis:** smh alec dont u know ur too cute to be gay

 **aleclightwood:** DONT

 **claryfairchild:** didnt someone ask you if you were dating maia once

 **aleclightwood:** Y E S

 **aleclightwood:** lydia wasn't very happy about that

 **jacelightwood:** what's with straight people and thinking ur dating lesbians

 **izzylightwood:** all the girls he knows are lesbians except for me

 **izzylightwood:** and everyone can just tell we're siblings so

 **simonlewis:** bc u guys look identical

 **aleclightwood:** im gay dont tell me to fornicate with clary in any way

 **izzylightwood:** i support this

 **claryfairchild:** i do too

 **magnusbane:** strongly support this

 **magnusbane:** the only person alec is allowed to fornicate with is me

 **claryfairchild:** i hear alec choking in his room

 **aleclightwood:** im gonna buy a giant ass sign that says GAY in big ass rainbow letters and carry it around with me everywhere i go

 **claryfairchild:** wanna let me borrow that bc every single time im with any of you guys someone has to tell us we're a good couple

 **aleclightwood:** ill buy u one

 **claryfairchild:** woo !

 **simonlewis:** ppl never mistake me as a straight bc whenever im with jace he makes it very known he's my boyfriend

 **jacelightwood:** well i gotta when girls are constantly checking you out

 **simonlewis:** babe i think its you they're checking out

 **jacelightwood:** ,, either way i gotta make it known

 **aleclightwood:** so what we learned from this is im a good person and dont deserve to be confused for a heterosexual 

 **izzylightwood:** this chat needs a lil gay

 **aleclightwood:** clary is already here

 **claryfairchild:** wow

_**izzylightwood** named the conversation **homosensuals**_

**magnusbane:** what is a homosensual

 **aleclightwood:** we saw a tweet from some lady and it was like "so homosensuals can get married but i cant have sex with my son? where is the equality???" 

 **magnusbane:** oh no

 **claryfairchild:** OH I REMEMBER THAT

 **aleclightwood:** like he already came out your vagina why would you want him back in

 **simonlewis:** i just choked on my drink

 **izzylightwood:** i thought that noise was you choking on jace's dick

 **jacelightwood:** simon doesn't have a gag reflex

 **aleclightwood:** dfjfkj ew

 **magnusbane:** neither does alexander

 **magnusbane:** could come in handy

 **aleclightwood:** HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT 

 **magnusbane:** i know things

 **claryfairchild:** magnus literally everyone is here but you alec is kinda fifth wheeling

 **magnusbane:** im already on my way biscuit

 **izzylightwood:** maybe you and alec can test out his lack of a gag reflex

 **aleclightwood:** ISABELLE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "im gonna walk my ass there and kick you in the fucking throat" and "heterostraight" and the tweet saying "so homosensuals can get married but i cant have sex with my son? where's the equality?!" are irl quotes
> 
> follow my instagram @clydesdonovan


	5. alec is a soft gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just watched moana and i cried like three times am i ok ?????

**jacelightwood:** alec u do know our walls are paper thin right

 **claryfairchild:** i think i need therapy now

 **izzylightwood:** im trying to pretend i cant hear

 **simonlewis:** moments like these make me feel blessed to have noise canceling headphones

 **jacelightwood:** alec i see u reading these

 **jacelightwood:** NO DONT GET LOUDER

 **claryfairchild:** FUCK

 **izzylightwood:** ALEC I HOPE YOU CHOKE

 **simonlewis:** wow u guys seem to be having some issues

 **simonlewis:** NO JACE TOOK MY HEADPHONES

 **izzylightwood:** WHEN I SAID YOU COULD TEST OUT ALEC'S LACK OF A GAG REFLEX I DIDNT MEAN LITERALLY

 **izzylightwood:** AND I DIDNT MEAN HERE

 **aleclightwood:** its not my gag reflex we're testing out

 **claryfairchild:** OH NO

 **claryfairchild:** DONT MESSAGE US WHEN MAGNUS IS SUCKING YOUR DICK

 **jacelightwood:** ok its quiet

 **simonlewis:** thank goD

 **izzylightwood:** ,,,, oh no

 **jacelightwood:** SPOKE TOO SOON

 **claryfairchild:** im gonna go drop a fridge on myself see ya

 **simonlewis:** i hope y'all dont mind if i get blood all over your kitchen bc im stabbing myself bye

 **jacelightwood:** im traumatized

 **jacelightwood:** help

 **jacelightwood:** I NEED AN ADULT

 **izzylightwood:** jace ur the oldest out of us four u are the adult

 **jacelightwood:** i need an adult better at adulting

 **jacelightwood:** an adultier adult

 **izzylightwood:** alexander lightwood i stg if u dont shut the FUCK up i will come in there and CHOP off your fucking dick you F U C K

 **claryfairchild:** ,, wow im glad i do not have a penis

 **simonlewis:** i think it worked ?????

 **aleclightwood:** pls dont chop off my dick i need that

 **jacelightwood:** it's not like you top anyway,,

 **aleclightwood:** YOU DON'T KNOW THAT

 **magnusbane:** hm, so tonight was, what? 

 **claryfairchild:** EXPOSED 

 **aleclightwood:** wow,

 **aleclightwood:** im so sick of this disrespect

 **simonlewis:** ok u cant fill the house with your moans and then jumP DOWN OUR THROATS WITH ACCUSATIONS OF DISRESPECT

 **aleclightwood:** THIS IS MY HOUSE I PAY RENT WHAT DO U DO OTHER THAN SWALLOW MY BROTHERS CUM

 **izzylightwood:** I CHOKED

 **simonlewis:** wow i just got fried

 **simonlewis:** and jace is laughing at me

 **claryfairchild:** simon doesn't even have a scalp anymore

 **magnusbane:** alec is the little spoon

 **aleclightwood:** STOP EXPOSING ME

 **izzylightwood:** wtf was that bang

 **magnusbane:** he tried to roll off me and he went too far and fell off the bed

 **izzylightwood:** HAHAHA

 **claryfairchild:** how the hell

 **aleclightwood:** i literally despise all of you

 **magnusbane:** ?

 **aleclightwood:** except for you i adore you

 **simonlewis:** AW

 **izzylightwood:** MAGNUS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BROTHER

 **jacelightwood:** HE'S TURNING SOFT

 **aleclightwood:** i am not soft i am a fighting machine (ง'̀-'́)ง

 **magnusbane:** of course you are, dear.

 **aleclightwood:** listen,,

 **aleclightwood:** i,,

 **aleclightwood:** *holds up razor*

 **aleclightwood:** am a MAN

 **magnusbane:** adorable

 **izzylightwood:** alec ur not winning this battle

 **aleclightwood:** he's right im soft

 **simonlewis:** aw alec is a soft gay

 **aleclightwood:** at least im not a coOKING UTENSIL

 **simonlewis:** ,, what 

 **aleclightwood:** idk magnus is playing w my hair i cant function

 **jacelightwood:** i think he was trying to make a pan joke

 **claryfairchild:** alec how do you go from completely destroying simon to making a shitty pun

 **aleclightwood:** i literally do not know fuck offonfnsl

 **jacelightwood:** what

 **magnusbane:** he fell asleep

 **izzylightwood:** soft gay

 **claryfairchild:** soft gay

 **aleclightwood:** FUCK OFF

 **jacelightwood:** WHAT

 **simonlewis:** look i dont play with demons

 **aleclightwood:** my phone woke me up

 **izzylightwood:** alec ur a soft gay

 **aleclightwood:** I AM NOT

 **magnusbane:** you're a soft gay

 **aleclightwood:** fffff damn right i am

 **simonlewis:** wow 

 **simonlewis:** you're whipped

 **magnusbane:** he's leaving the room, i suggest you hide.

 **simonlewis:** OH SHIT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "im gonna go drop a fridge on myself", "i hope you choke" and "i hope you dont mind me getting blood all over your fridge because im stabbing myself" are irl quotes
> 
> follow my instagram @clydesdonovan


	6. IM ALWAYS A SLUT FOR JIMON

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i listed a few irl quotes but real talk over half of the things said in the last chapter are things i say on a daily basis
> 
> also i made maia and lydia kinda main characters ?? and i might add aline soon idk i love characters and i want them in here dkdbf
> 
> and i live for the idea of alec and maia being best friends

_**aleclightwood** added **maiaroberts** to the conversation_

**aleclightwood:** MAIA TELL THEM WHAT YOU TOLD ME

 **maiaroberts:** ok first hi

 **maiaroberts:** and i was saying that i wanted to propose to lydia

 **maiaroberts:** alec is still yelling

 **aleclightwood:** you have no proof

 **maiaroberts:** _video attached_

 **aleclightwood:** wow exposed

 **aleclightwood:** where tf is everyone

 **maiaroberts:** probably dead

_**aleclightwood** added **magnusbane** to the conversation_

**aleclightwood:** stop leaving

 **magnusbane:** have you really been skyping maia all night

 **aleclightwood:** ,,, no ?

 **magnusbane:** i heard you clapping along to the friends theme song at four am

 **maiaroberts:** HDOF SEE I TOLD YOU TO BE QUIET

 **aleclightwood:** IM SORRY I GET REALLY EXCITED WHEN I WATCH FRIENDS

 **jacelightwood:** why are you spamming

 **simonlewis:** i just got pushed off the bed

 **maiaroberts:** are you all still sleeping wtf

 **simonlewis:** its eleven am

 **maiaroberts:** yes time to be up !!

 **jacelightwood:** WAIT YOU'RE GONNA PROPOSE TO LYDIA

 **maiaroberts:** thinking about it yes

 **izzylightwood:** DO IT

 **maiaroberts:** hi izzy

 **claryfairchild:** DO IT DO IT

 **maiaroberts:** IM THINKING ABOUT IT

 **maiaroberts:** YOU KNOW SHE ISNT REALLY THAT INTO MARRIAGE 

 **aleclightwood:** lets be honest m who wouldn't wanna marry you

 **maiaroberts:** would you marry me

 **magnusbane:** watch what you say alec

 **maiaroberts:** shit bro

 **aleclightwood:** if i wasnt the gayest guy in america sure

 **simonlewis:** THE GAYEST GUY IN AMERICA

 **claryfairchild:** idk man frankie grande seems pretty damn gay

 **izzylightwood:** i miss lydia

 **maiaroberts:** i can add her but i gotta delete my msgs first

 **aleclightwood:** YES

 **maiaroberts:** u seem more excited to talk to my gf than i am

 **aleclightwood:** fuck off ???

 **maiaroberts:** izzy delete that one msg

 **izzylightwood:** got it

_**maiaroberts** added **lydiabranwell** to the conversation_

**aleclightwood:** LYDIA

 **lydiabranwell:** ALEC

 **simonlewis:** SIMON

 **simonlewis:** ,, no ?

 **jacelightwood:** no

 **simonlewis:** wow

 **lydiabranwell:** simon im still mad at you for feeding my dog chocolate he's been puking for days

 **maiaroberts:** YOU GAVE OUR DOG CHOCOLATE ????

 **simonlewis:** pft what no haha

 **maiaroberts:** im gonna fucking murder you

 **aleclightwood:** i wanna watch

 **maiaroberts:** alec is losing his shit im glad you find this funny 

 **maiaroberts:** _video attached_

 **maiaroberts:** look at this shit

 **magnusbane:** he's so adorable wow i am blessed

 **maiaroberts:** now he's choking

 **claryfairchild:** maia dont hurt simon he's fragile

 **maiaroberts:** simon do me a favor

 **maiaroberts:** go fucking choke

 **simonlewis:** i feel attacked

 **aleclightwood:** she attac

 **claryfairchild:** why are u so giggly today alec

 **aleclightwood:** i havent slept in two days

 **maiaroberts:** we've been on skype since four am friday night

 **maiaroberts:** its one pm sunday afternoon

 **magnusbane:** i left for work and he was on the couch skyping her

 **magnusbane:** i came back that night and he had not moved

 **aleclightwood:** i had to get up to get the pizza i ordered mags

 **magnusbane:** i went out to get coffee and he was still there

 **magnusbane:** i went out to go to the store just now and he was STILL. THERE.

 **maiaroberts:** magnus he literally showered while on skype with me

 **aleclightwood:** well so did u

 **maiaroberts:** BC I NEEDED TO SHOWER AND U WOULDN'T LET ME HANG UP

 **aleclightwood:** well we had to beat our record

 **maiaroberts:** alec we beat our record last night

 **aleclightwood:** yeah but u know,, we made a new one to break

 **maiaroberts:** oh hell no

 **maiaroberts:** THIRTY THREE HOURS ALEC

 **aleclightwood:** WE CAN BEAT IT

 **maiaroberts:** NO BC I KNOW UR GONNA WANNA SKYPE ALL DAY TODAY

 **maiaroberts:** IM NOT GONNA SKYPE YOU FOR TWO DAYS AGAIN

 **magnusbane:** no, you're not because i miss having a cuddly boyfriend in the morning

 **magnusbane:** and i miss having sex with said boyfriend

 **magnusbane:** he topped for the first time the other day and i need it again

 **maiaroberts:** _video attached_

 **maiaroberts:** HAHA FUCK PERFECT TIMING

 **aleclightwood:** FUCK

 **jacelightwood:** JDIF OH MY GOD

 **claryfairchild:** "EW ALEC WHAT THE FUCK" IM CHOKING

 **aleclightwood:** _video attached_

 **maiaroberts:** WE'RE LOSING OUR SHIT

 **aleclightwood:** IM GONNA PEE

 **simonlewis:** IM SAVING THAT VIDEO AND WATCHING IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

 **izzylightwood:** I CANT STOP WATCHING IT

 **lydiabranwell:** so what we've gotten from this is that whenever magnus says any kind of compliment or sexual comment alec loses his shit

 **izzylightwood:** alec you've been dating magnus for six months now are you ever gonna get used to it

 **aleclightwood:** ill never get over the fact that magnus likes me

 **lydiabranwell:** ive been with maia for three years now and im still thouroughly shook whenever i see her

 **aleclightwood:** mags a package just came to the door did you order anything

 **magnusbane:** no???

 **simonlewis:** its probably a bomb

 **aleclightwood:** good i wanna die

 **claryfairchild:** IM ALWAYS A SLUT FOR JIMON

 **aleclightwood:** what

 **aleclightwood:** what the fuck is jimon

 **claryfairchild:** jace and simon

 **jacelightwood:** ,, u gave us ,,, a ship name ??? 

 **claryfairchild:** no my ig followers did

 **claryfairchild:** they have ship names for all of us

 **claryfairchild:** malec, jimon and clizzy

 **claryfairchild:** they haven't figured out one for maia and lydia yet

 **magnusbane:** mydia ??

 **aleclightwood:** laia ????

 **maiaroberts:** that sounds like ur calling Simone a liar

 **maiaroberts:** WHAT

 **maiaroberts:** WHO'S SIMONE

 **aleclightwood:** RAVEN SIMONE

 **jacelightwood:** simone

 **claryfairchild:** simone

 **izzylightwood:** simone

 **simonlewis:** simone

 **magnusbane:** simone

 **lydiabranwell:** simone

 **maiaroberts:** you all are dead as hell then the moment i make a typo you're suddenly alert i hope you choke

 **izzylightwood:** we've been lurking

 **izzylightwood:** alec is never this giggly and enthusiastic in the gc so im enjoying this

 **aleclightwood:** im just sleep deprived

 **maiaroberts:** and he loves me

 **aleclightwood:** unfortunately

 **maiaroberts:** wow,

 **izzylightwood:** you're really smiley around magnus too

 **claryfairchild:** ive noticed that too

 **simonlewis:** you're happiest around magnus and maia

 **aleclightwood:** ,, am i the only one who hasn't noticed this

 **izzylightwood:** yes

 **claryfairchild:** yes

 **maiaroberts:** yes

 **jacelightwood:** yes

 **lydiabranwell:** yes

 **magnusbane:** yes

 **simonlewis:** yes

 **aleclightwood:** ,,,,, oh

 **maiaroberts:** its three pm

 **aleclightwood:** why is magnus still not home

 **simonlewis:** are u gonna give him that sex once he gets home

 **magnusbane:** he better

 **aleclightwood:** im too tired to top

 **magnusbane:** that's okay with me

 **jacelightwood:** dont talk about ur sex life here

 **magnusbane:** oh but i was about to talk about how sensitive alec's neck is

 **claryfairchild:** N O

 **aleclightwood:** magnus seems like a very loud person but he's really quiet in bed it's all just heavy breathing and whimpers

 **simonlewis:** oh my god i regret asking

 **maiaroberts:** fuck off simon

 **aleclightwood:** and when he gets overwhelmed its like he forgets to speak english and starts muttering in indonesian 

 **magnusbane:** alexander starts out quiet but the more turned on he gets the louder he gets

_**lydiabranwell** left the conversation_

**aleclightwood:** HAHAHA

_**maiaroberts** added **lydiabranwell** to the conversation_

**maiaroberts:** uh uh ur not leaving me

 **lydiabranwell:** THAT IS YOUR BEST FRIEND

 **maiaroberts:** YOU'VE KNOWN ALEC ALMOST AS LONG AS I HAVE

 **lydiabranwell:** BUT I DONT WANNA HEAR ABOUT HOW HE IS DURING SEX

 **magnusbane:** i made alec come just by kissing his neck once

 **aleclightwood:** we're doing that again when you get home

 **magnusbane:** oh ??

 **aleclightwood:** yea

 **magnusbane:** im already walking up to the door

 **maiaroberts:** OH NO MAGNUS WALKED IN

 **maiaroberts:** ALEC WINKED AT THE CAMERA AND THEN TURNED IT OFF

 **aleclightwood:** gotta go !!!!!!

 **izzylightwood:** wow get it

 **claryfairchild:** WHY ARE YOU ENCOURAGING

 **izzylightwood:** bc im always praising my brother fuck off

 **maiaroberts:** alec just texted me "i didnt hang up so we didn't ruin it. im gonna be coming back after, i might be drained and covered in hickies but we need to continue our streak"

 **jacelightwood:** ,,,, oh

 **maiaroberts:** oh god he didnt mute the mic

 **maiaroberts:** A L E C

 **maiaroberts:** im yelling

 **aleclightwood:** maia sweetie im next to the computer u don't have to yell

 **maiaroberts:** TURN OFF UR MIC

 **maiaroberts:** he muted oh thank god

 **simonlewis:** im actually laughing at this

 **maiaroberts:** WAIT HE DIDNT MUTE OH NO

 **maiaroberts:** I HOPE I CHOKE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "thouroughly shook" "exposed" "probably dead" "gayest guy in america" "fuck off" "go choke" "im choking" "we're losing our shit" "im always a slut for jimon" "i hope you choke" "i hope i choke" and "its probably a bomb" "good i wanna die" are irl quotes
> 
> also simone is an actual typo i made while writing this and decided to keep it, and them all repeating the typo is a frequent occurrence in my gcs
> 
> follow my instagram @clydesdonovan


	7. panini head

**izzylightwood:** alec

 **aleclightwood:** hm ?

 **izzylightwood:** its valentines day

 **aleclightwood:** i hate valentines day

 **claryfairchild:** YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW LEARN HOW TO LOVE IT

 **izzylightwood:** how long have u been w magnus

 **aleclightwood:** ,, around eleven months ?

 **izzylightwood:** hm

 **aleclightwood:** why

 **maiaroberts:** ur not saying he should propose are u

 **maiaroberts:** JSOFH ALEC JUST LOOKED SO SCARED IM CHOKING

 **izzylightwood:** no ! maybe like a promise ring though

 **aleclightwood:** what's a promise ring

_**jacelightwood** removed **aleclightwood** from the conversation_

**claryfairchild:** wtf u can do that ???

 **izzylightwood:** apparently

_**jacelightwood** added **magnusbane** to the conversation_

**magnusbane:** i already got him a promise ring

 **izzylightwood:** WHAT

 **maiaroberts:** magnus is writing a novel

 **magnusbane:** i'm aware he's still a little closed off and is clearly worried about going to fast; a promise ring is the best way to show my feelings for him are stronger than i've ever felt before and that i wanna spend the rest of my life with him without going too fast, you get it?

 **magnusbane:** fuck you maia

 **maiaroberts:** alec is so mad that jace removed him i cant stop laughing 

 **maiaroberts:** i fucking choked and alec is like ????????????

 **simonlewis:** DJDHD YOU GUYS ARE SO SOFT IM OFFENDED

 **simonlewis:** YALL GET EACH OTHER PROMISE RINGS AND CALL EACH OTHER CUTE NAMES

 **jacelightwood:** i call you cute names

 **simonlewis:** today you told me i look like sid from ice age

 **jacelightwood:** i love sid 

 **claryfairchild:** NOW ISNT THE TIME YOU SHIT BAGS

 **magnusbane:** it really isn't i need help

 **izzylightwood:** with

 **maiaroberts:** ALEC IS TRYING TO TAKE MY PHONE HURRY U P 

 **magnusbane:** i need to know how to give it to him

 **izzylightwood:** just tell him what you told us. tell him how strong your feelings are. tell him its just a promise that once you're both ready you'll get married. that he can have that ring as long as he wants, and it doesnt mean he has to rush to marry you.

 **magnusbane:** i hope i choke

 **simonlewis:** oh you'll definitely choke

_**magnusbane** removed **simonlewis** from the conversation_

**magnusbane:** now that i've gotten rid of all the toxicity 

 **maiaroberts:** ODBDKCB

 **magnusbane:** i can add the light back

_**magnusbane** added **aleclightwood** to the conversation_

**izzylightwood:** ha puns

 **aleclightwood:** smh why did jace remove me maia won't tell me anything

 **magnusbane:** no reason darling

 **claryfairchild:** does alec ever call you any cute names bc i only hear you do it

 **magnusbane:** he calls me mags and i'm not going to complain because he isn't really a name calling type

 **jacelightwood:** he called me a panini head yesterday

 **claryfairchild:** alec is literally the embodiment of gordon ramsey

 **claryfairchild:** he's so soft around magnus, maia and children then w everyone else he's just a dick

 **aleclightwood:** you are what you eat

 **izzylightwood:** you ate a dick??

 **aleclightwood:** yea

 **magnusbane:** wait panini head?

 **jacelightwood:** alec was talking to me but i didn't hear and he went "HEY PANINI HEAD ARE YOU FUCKING LISTENING TO ME????" 

 **maiaroberts:** it was hilarious

 **aleclightwood:** yeah maia lost her shit

 **claryfairchild:** is there ever a time when you aren't skyping maia

 **maiaroberts:** when he's fucking magnus

 **aleclightwood:** when im with her

 **maiaroberts:** when he's out

 **izzylightwood:** when you're sleeping?

 **aleclightwood:** we always end up falling asleep on skype

 **magnusbane:** it gets very tedious

 **magnusbane:** she's over here now and im about 90% sure they're drinking all my alcohol

 **jacelightwood:** alec doesn't like alcohol ???

 **aleclightwood:** after dating magnus i've grown to like it,, some more than others

 **maiaroberts:** he has this sparkly vodka thing that tastes like cranberry juice

 **aleclightwood:** its so good ?????

 **magnusbane:** did you just break something

 **aleclightwood:** it was maia

 **maiaroberts:** it was alec

 **izzylightwood:** looks like magnus gotta play daddy

 **jacelightwood:** he probably plays daddy in bed

_**magnusbane** removed **jacelightwood** from the conversation_

**claryfairchild:** wow magnus is removing everyone

 **aleclightwood:** he removed my virginity 

 **izzylightwood:** yup he's drunk

 **claryfairchild:** why can he make sexual jokes and not get removed

 **magnusbane:** because i love him

 **aleclightwood:** :D

 **claryfairchild:** biased

_**izzylightwood** added **jacelightwood** and **simonlewis** to the conversation_

**magnusbane:** excuse me

 **izzylightwood:** they wouldn't leave my room unless i added them back

 **aleclightwood:** baise moi

 **magnusbane:** what did you do now

 **aleclightwood:** nothing baby don't worry

 **magnusbane:** this little shit did something wrong

 **izzylightwood:** how do you know

 **magnusbane:** he only calls me that when he fucks up

 **maiaroberts:** alec run

 **aleclightwood:** h

 **maiaroberts:** he's trying to hide but he's too tall ?????

 **magnusbane:** he spilled vodka on my couch

 **maiaroberts:** im getting interrogated 

 **maiaroberts:** help??

 **maiaroberts:** OH HE FOUND HIM

 **maiaroberts:** alec is trying to kiss him as a distraction

 **izzylightwood:** is magnus giving in

 **maiaroberts:** no he's not

 **maiaroberts:** yes he is

 **simonlewis:** they're both whipped

 **maiaroberts:** ew

 **claryfairchild:** oh dear what now

 **maiaroberts:** alec whispered smth and all i heard was "baby" then he started kissing magnus' neck

 **izzylightwood:** oh no

 **maiaroberts:** gotta skidattle

 **simonlewis:** looks like alec is topping tonight

 **maiaroberts:** nah magnus just took control

 **maiaroberts:** HAHAHA HE JUST PICKED ALEC UP AND IT LOOKS SO WEIRD

 **simonlewis:** good luck maia

 **maiaroberts:** im so glad i brought my headphones

 **maiaroberts:** wow they arent noise canceling enough i hope i choke

 **maiaroberts:** and i hope alec chokes on his loud ass moans

 **aleclightwood:** i wont be choking on my moans but ill be choking on magnus' dick

 **jacelightwood:** OH

 **magnusbane:** cant choke on my dick if you dont have a gag reflex

 **magnusbane:** and if you're eating my ass

 **claryfairchild:** I DONT KNOW IF IM LAUGHING OR CRYING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this wasnt that good and the ending sucked im sorry i hope i choke
> 
> "[magnus] is writing a novel" "shit bags" "now that ive gotten rid of all the toxicity" "panini head" "gotta skidattle" and "no [he] isnt. yes [he] is" are irl quotes and "help?" is an inside joke
> 
> also the vodka that tastes like cranberry juice is real i had it last weekend at my dad's house
> 
> follow my instagram @clydesdonovan


	8. melanin deficient

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd like to thank keira for peer pressuring me into updating this bc i would've completely forgotten otherwise
> 
> also gonna dedicate this to nandalie bc i adore her and she is the reason i live.
> 
> i like mentioning glee / mike bc i love the irony

**magnusbane:** guys i need help

 **jacelightwood:** what did alec do now

 **aleclightwood:** i did nothing fuck off

 **magnusbane:** he's been watching glee for the past two days

 **magnusbane:** he hasn't slept

 **simonlewis:** ok glee is amazing

 **claryfairchild:** it really is

 **aleclightwood:** i think we can all agree that klaine and brittana are 100% the best couples on the show

 **simonlewis:** oh definitely

 **claryfairchild:** 100%

 **izzylightwood:** no doubt

 **jacelightwood:**  they are trust me im a doctor 

 **magnusbane:** he hasn't stopped talking about mike, puck and blaine

 **magnusbane:** im about to kick him out

 **aleclightwood:** i'd fuck puck

 **simonlewis:** haha that rhymed

 **magnusbane:** excuse me

 **aleclightwood:** i mean

 **aleclightwood:** what

 **aleclightwood:** he turned off his wifi im gonna commit

 **claryfairchild:** that sounds like a yp your problem not a mp my problem

 **aleclightwood:** i hope you choke

 **maiaroberts:** magnus why would u do that we were watching the ep together and beating a record you ruined it

 **magnusbane:** i'm sorry, did i give you the impression that i cared?

 **simonlewis:** OHDODN

 **izzylightwood:** snatched

 **claryfairchild:** he took her wig and put it on himself

 **maiaroberts:** wow im not a marshmallow magnus i am not here to be roasted

 **magnusbane:** you got my boyfriend into glee and now he wont SLEEP

 **aleclightwood:** I NEED TO FINISH IT MAGNUS

 **magnusbane:** the show is over alexander why are you in a rush it isnt like there's going to be more episodes

 **aleclightwood:** wow,,

 **aleclightwood:** i am sick of this disrespect

 **magnusbane:** you kept me up for two days because you were yelling about it

 **magnusbane:** you don't know disrespect

 **aleclightwood:** i wasn't even yelling you're just a light sleeper

 **magnusbane:** you were yelling "LOOK AT HIM" while clapping 

 **aleclightwood:** its for emphasis

 **aleclightwood:** i needed to be very clear about my love for mike chang

 **magnusbane:** why do you love him so much he is barely in the show

 **aleclightwood:** he's soft and adorable

 **aleclightwood:** and he reminds me of you

 **magnusbane:** because we're both asian

 **aleclightwood:** WHAT NO

 **maiaroberts:** wow alec racist

 **claryfairchild:** this just in alec is racist

 **izzylightwood:** breaking news

 **aleclightwood:** I AM NOT FUCK OFF

 **magnusbane:** he is chinese alec i am not

 **maiaroberts:** this melanin deficient boy here sayin all asians look alike smh

 **simonlewis:** MELANIN DEFICIENT IM

 **aleclightwood:** im going to jump out this window goodbye

 **claryfairchild:** did i tell you guys about the time when luke introduced me to someone as his daughter and they said we look so much alike

 **maiaroberts:** oh my god

 **izzylightwood:** they were being polite babe

 **claryfairchild:** i know but have they seen me

 **claryfairchild:** i am literally the whitest girl to ever white

 **jacelightwood:** what did luke say

 **claryfairchild:** "that's a new one"

 **maiaroberts:** clary literally could not be more caucasian 

 **aleclightwood:** i just dropped my pizza and magnus' cat stole it

 **magnusbane:** stop feeding my cat pizza he's gonna get fat

 **aleclightwood:** i don't do it on purpose

 **aleclightwood:** he always steals it

 **magnusbane:** don't let him steal it ?

 **aleclightwood:** i tried to move it away from him and he tried to square up

 **magnusbane:** alexander he is a cat

 **aleclightwood:** he is a demon

 **magnusbane:** are you sure you aren't mistaking him for church

 **aleclightwood:** i love church

 **magnusbane:** he's a literal demon

 **maiaroberts:** alec feeds my dog pizza he shouldn't be allowed near animals

 **aleclightwood:** they deserve to experience the art that is pizza

 **simonlewis:** no alec that is unhealthy

 **aleclightwood:** i dont remember asking you 

 **jacelightwood:** HAHAHA

 **simonlewis:** jace you're my boyfriend you're supposed to defend me

 **jacelightwood:** i always defend you

 **izzylightwood:** i remember you calling simon the human version of a bee

 **jacelightwood:** bc he never shuts up

 **simonlewis:** this is abuse this is racist and homophobic

 **lydiabranwell:** wtf what did i miss i was gone for an hour

 **maiaroberts:** you can never leave this gc bc you could miss a death, an engagement, and a pregnancy in half an hour

 **claryfairchild:** who would be pregnant we're all in same sex relationships

 **jacelightwood:** alec could probably get pregnant

 **aleclightwood:** im not a bottom

 **magnusbane:** and you are a liar

 **izzylightwood:** exposed !!

 **aleclightwood:** why am i always getting bullied this is why i never talk to any of you in person and deny knowing you

 **maiaroberts:** magnus and i love to embarrass alec in stores

 **maiaroberts:** we'll just be like "HI ALEC !!!!" 

 **aleclightwood:** and i just "who's alec??? idk them????"

 **magnusbane:** one time he pretended he couldn't speak english

 **maiaroberts:** alec also has to be touching magnus in some way while we're in public

 **aleclightwood:** if i don't there's always some girl trying to hit on him

 **magnusbane:** i have had to try to fight off so many girls who try to flirt with alec

 **maiaroberts:** WAIT REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME THIS WHITE GIRL CAME UP TO YOU AND SAID "hey is your friend single?"

 **magnusbane:** oh that bitch

 **maiaroberts:** HE LOOKED AT HER AND SAID "my boyfriend?? no he is not single." 

 **aleclightwood:** what when did that happen

 **maiaroberts:** like a week ago when we went to stock up on snacks for our movie night

 **aleclightwood:** WAS THAT WHEN I WAS LOOKING AT CANDY 

 **aleclightwood:** BECAUSE I REMEMBER YOU LOSING YOUR SHIT

 **maiaroberts:** YES

 **maiaroberts:** THE MINUTE SHE ASKED HIM THAT I FUCKING LOST IT

 **magnusbane:** heteronormative 

 **maiaroberts:** she saw him holding alec's hand and thought to herself "yes,, they look like the best of buds"

 **claryfairchild:** yeah they're just the best of no homo dude bro friends 

 **aleclightwood:** im actually choking

 **magnusbane:** he isnt lying

 **maiaroberts:** she literally came back and tried to talk to alec when magnus walked away for a sec

 **aleclightwood:** she was like a foot tall i thought i was talking to a child at first

 **maiaroberts:** she was like "heyyyy!!!"

 **izzylightwood:** oh no the flirty girl hey

 **aleclightwood:** i was already scared

 **maiaroberts:** and she was like "your friend over there told me he was your boyfriend but i feel like he was lying"

 **maiaroberts:** and alec looked where she was pointing and saw magnus and he was like ",,, he is my boyfriend??"

 **aleclightwood:** she laughed at me

 **magnusbane:** i saw her there so i called him over

 **aleclightwood:** he tried being very lovey and even fed me a fucking jelly bean

 **maiaroberts:** "they're REALLY close arent they?"

 **claryfairchild:** OH MY GOD

 **izzylightwood:** straight people

 **aleclightwood:** he literally even kissed me

 **maiaroberts:** "they're very comfortable with their sexualities aren't they?"

 **maiaroberts:** i said "seeing as they are dating you would expect them to be"

 **maiaroberts:** SHE IS LITERALLY THE MOST DELUSIONAL PERSON IVE EVER MET

 **maiaroberts:** I TOLD HER THEY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR OVER A YEAR NOW AND SHE JUST ???

 **magnusbane:** to this day she probably still thinks he's a heterostraight

 **maiaroberts:** alec lightwood: a straight

 **izzylightwood:** what a concept

 **aleclightwood:** fuck off ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "that sounds like a yp your problem not a mp my problem" "he took [her] wig and put it on himself" "melanin deficient" "whitest girl to ever white" "he tried to square up" "this is abuse" "this is racist and homophobic" are irl quotes
> 
> follow my instagram @clydesdonovan


	9. sorry, who are you again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u didnt notice im adding characters and ships as i go
> 
> also its four thirty am and 218 is in twelve and a half hours im a wreck and i haven't slept help me

_**aleclightwood** removed **simonlewis** from the conversation_

**jacelightwood:** what did he do now

 **aleclightwood:** nothing,, his presence just irritates me

 **jacelightwood:** are you ever gonna stop insulting my boyfriend

 **aleclightwood:** are you ever gonna stop walking into my boyfriend's house without knocking

 **izzylightwood:** are you ever gonna actually move out and into magnus' since you're there all the time anyway

 **claryfairchild:** literally you havent slept here in weeks

 **aleclightwood:** i slept there on tuesday

 **jacelightwood:** thats bc magnus kicked you out bc he was sick of you being up all night

 **aleclightwood:** he let me back in the next morning

 **magnusbane:** because you sat outside my door for three hours

 **aleclightwood:** i missed you

 **lydiabranwell:** i just realized how dead i am in this gc haha oops

 **maiaroberts:** wow disgrace

 **lydiabranwell:** fuck off i have work

 **lydiabranwell:** someone has to support us when you're skyping alec for two days straight

 **aleclightwood:** what we dont skype for two days straight 

 **jacelightwood:** alec dont

 **aleclightwood:** we skype for two days gay

 **jacelightwood:** dammit

 **aleclightwood:** magnus just shoved me off of him my pun got my cuddle privilege revoked

 **izzylightwood:** instant karma

 **aleclightwood:** HAHA I GOT IT BACK

 **magnusbane:** only so you'd stop looking at me like a kicked puppy

 **claryfairchild:** why are you the bottom and the little spoon you're huge shouldn't you be a top

 **aleclightwood:** that is an offensive stereotype and i will not stand for it

 **jacelightwood:** whether you're a top or bottom depends more on preference

 **aleclightwood:** and i prefer to have magnus on top of me

 **izzylightwood:** okay that's enough information for me thank you

 **magnusbane:** alec keeps putting his cold hands under my shirt i am about to cut them off

 **aleclightwood:** im warming them up

 **maiaroberts:** if u cut off his hands he cant finger u anymore

 **jacelightwood:** stop bringing that up

 **aleclightwood:** oh yeah magnus you like that i guess its more your loss than mine

 **magnusbane:** you make a convincing argument

 **magnusbane:** but i might need more

 **aleclightwood:** i can show you how useful my hands are

 **claryfairchild:** jesus christ

 **magnusbane:** its alec here real quick and i just need to say that magnus grabbed my phone and literally threw it across the room i should not be laughing this hard

 **izzylightwood:** jfc how much sex can you have

 **jacelightwood:** it seems like alec isnt getting anything out of this

 **maiaroberts:** if alec doesn't stop leaving me on skype when he fucks his boyfriend im gonna unfriend him

 **claryfairchild:** do you hear anything

 **maiaroberts:** ,,, just breathing

 **maiaroberts:** magnus doesnt fucking yell like alec does so it isnt as bad

 **izzylightwood:** smh alec's so rude

 **maiaroberts:** with how out there magnus is i did not expect him to be so quiet

 **jacelightwood:** i literally do not care

 **maiaroberts:** _video attached_

 **jacelightwood:** please no

 **claryfairchild:** hm,, that's tolerable

 **izzylightwood:** im 100% gonna tease magnus about those whimpers later

 **maiaroberts:** dont do that i did once and he literally threw an entire sandwich at me

 **izzylightwood:** he loves me he'll never do that

 **maiaroberts:** that's what i thought until i got a face full of turkey and mayonnaise isabelle

 **lydiabranwell:** i leave for thirty minutes and i come back to a video of magnus moaning,, i hate this gc

 **maiaroberts:** stop leaving then

 **lydiabranwell:** i had to shower

 **maiaroberts:** true you smelled

 **lydiabranwell:** bye im locking you out of the room

 **maiaroberts:** WHAT

 **jacelightwood:** did she actually lock you out

 **maiaroberts:** yes

 **claryfairchild:** why are your and alec's s/o always so sick of you

 **maiaroberts:** they dont understand us

 **maiaroberts:** okay now magnus isnt even speaking english

 **maiaroberts:** i should learn indonesian

 **izzylightwood:** dont u have no idea what he could be saying

 **maiaroberts:** it couldn't possibly be worse than the things ive heard the past twenty months they've been together

 **jacelightwood:** why do you even stay on skype

 **maiaroberts:** bc if i break our time alec would murder me

 **aleclightwood:** damn right i would

 **izzylightwood:** wow you're back

 **jacelightwood:** how're u feelin bud

 **aleclightwood:** my hand is tired

 **claryfairchild:** ew

_**jacelightwood** added **simonlewis** to the conversation_

**simonlewis:** yOUR FAVORITE LATINO IS HERE

 **aleclightwood:** raphael isn't here ??

 **magnusbane:** sorry, who are you again?

 **maiaroberts:** i dont know you ???

 **simonlewis:** the fact that those all came in simultaneously is what pisses me off

 **claryfairchild:** you three are so alike sometimes it scares me

 **simonlewis:** im sick of you guys always bullying me

_**magnusbane** added **raphaelsantiago** to the conversation_

**simonlewis:** raphael santiago?? more like raphael santiaGO AWAY

 **raphaelsantiago:** simon lewis? more like simon lewishut the fuck up

 **aleclightwood:** HA

 **simonlewis:** that wasn't even good

 **aleclightwood:** yeah but it was an insult to you so that makes it good

 **raphaelsantiago:** i can't be here long, meliorn is coming to pick me up.

 **magnusbane:** oh, date????

 **raphaelsantiago:** shut up

 **claryfairchild:** you're the only one i dont have to worry about tainting this gc w ur sex talk bless

 **raphaelsantiago:** if this is filled with sex talk i'm leaving

 **izzylightwood:** it's all magnus and alec

 **raphaelsantiago:** that makes it worse

 **aleclightwood:** ill never talk about sex again if it means you stay here and completely snatch simon's entire skin

 **raphaelsantiago:** i can work with that.

 **aleclightwood:** YES WHAT'S SEX LMAO I AM A CHILD OF GOD I HAVE NEVER HAD A DICK INSIDE ME EVER ????

 **raphaelsantiago:** oh my god

 **maiaroberts:** alec you're an idiot

 **aleclightwood:** magnus doesn't think im an idiot do u mags ????

 **magnusbane:** you are an idiot

 **aleclightwood:** oh

 **magnusbane:** but i adore you

 **aleclightwood:** im choking on my tears

 **magnusbane:** he is actually crying

 **maiaroberts:** jesus christ alec you're a fucking mess

 **aleclightwood:** true

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "instant karma" "snatch [simon's] entire skin" "im choking on my tears" and the straight to gay pun are irl quotes
> 
> follow me on ig @clydesdonovan


	10. stop the violence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my phone is lagging rly bad and im about to swallow my fucking phone 
> 
> also i havent slept all night im an actual human disaster
> 
> also i was giggling to myself the entire time i was writing this im so tired ???

**izzylightwood:** ALEXANDER LIGHTWOOD

 **aleclightwood:** oh my

 **maiaroberts:** what did you do now alec

 **aleclightwood:** i do not know

 **izzylightwood:** YOU'RE A LYING LIAR WHO LIES

 **aleclightwood:** WHAT DID I DO

 **izzylightwood:** WHY DID YOU LIE TO MY FUCKING FACE

 **aleclightwood:** ABOUT WHAT OH MY GOD

 **izzylightwood:** ABOUT YOUR ENGAGEMENT

 **aleclightwood:** ,, i didnt lie

 **aleclightwood:** i just didnt tell u

 **magnusbane:** you really didn't tell isabelle?

 **aleclightwood:** i was gonna

 **izzylightwood:** YOU GOT ENGAGED TWO DAYS AGO

 **jacelightwood:** he didnt tell any of us

 **claryfairchild:** alec are we not friends

 **aleclightwood:** clary ur my best friend we've established this

 **claryfairchild:** THEN WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME YOU FUCK BAG

 **aleclightwood:** I AM SORRY JEEZ I WAS BUSY

 **simonlewis:** he hasn't been in the gc so

 **raphaelsantiago:** i knew

 **izzylightwood:** excuse

 **magnusbane:** i told him

 **jacelightwood:** and you havent told us ???

 **magnusbane:** nope.

 **jacelightwood:** wow we aren't friends anymore

 **magnusbane:** we were never friends.

 **maiaroberts:** I LEAVE FOR FIVE MINUTES AND COME BACK TO JACE GETTING SNATCHED I LOVE THIS

 **claryfairchild:** why is alec always rude to simon and magnus is always rude to jace

 **simonlewis:** rs goals

 **aleclightwood:** fuck off sheldon

 **simonlewis:** wow

 **magnusbane:** jace, stop typing i am uninterested in your input.

 **izzylightwood:** WOW WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM TODAY

 **aleclightwood:** someone told me to drop the zero and get myself a hero

 **claryfairchild:** so,, is magnus to zero ??

 **aleclightwood:** apparently ?? i wanted to square up

 **simonlewis:** they're probably legally blind we shouldn't fight disabled people

 **magnusbane:** i hate straight people

 **aleclightwood:** so clary and i pretended to be straight for a day

 **claryfairchild:** isnt it funny watching me pretend to be straight

 **maiaroberts:** it was hilarious watching them try to act straight

 **claryfairchild:** i couldn't do it and bought smth rainbow after like an hour

 **jacelightwood:** you can't be straight when you have a boyfriend like magnus bane

 **aleclightwood:** fair enough

 **aleclightwood:** he's a snack

 **izzylightwood:**  a fucking snack ?? what do you eat him ???

 **izzylightwood:** wait

 **aleclightwood:** yes

 **magnusbane:** he's gotten quite good at it 

 **raphaelsantiago:** that is my cue to leave 

 **simonlewis:** you weren't here in the first place

_**raphaelsantiago** removed **simonlewis** from the conversation_

**aleclightwood:** thank god

 **magnusbane:** can you take jace with him

 **jacelightwood:** fuck you

 **maiaroberts:** STOP THE VIOLENCE

 **aleclightwood:** DONT STOP THE VIOLENCE

 **izzylightwood:** WE ALWAYS NEED MORE VIOLENCE

 **aleclightwood:** YEAH KICK HIS ASS

 **aleclightwood:** too far ??? nah kicK HIS ASS

 **jacelightwood:** alec are u ok

 **aleclightwood:** i think im drunk

 **izzylightwood:** you,,, think

 **aleclightwood:** i dont remember if i was drinking

 **magnusbane:** you are literally drinking right now alexander

 **aleclightwood:** oh so that's what this is

 **aleclightwood:** i thought it was piss for a second

 **maiaroberts:** i think its time for him to be cut off

 **aleclightwood:** no im celebrating my engagement

 **izzylightwood:** yeaH THE ENGAGEMENT YOU DIDNT TELL ME ABOUT BITCH

 **aleclightwood:** stop the violence

 **claryfairchild:** didnt you just say not to stop the violence

 **aleclightwood:** that was before the violence was aimed at me i am a good person who's done nothing to deserve this i am soft and deserve love

 **magnusbane:** he's giggling to himself right now 

 **magnusbane:** i dont think he's okay

 **aleclightwood:** magnus wont let me cuddle him

 **claryfairchild:** im gettin cuddles rn hAAAA

 **aleclightwood:** fuck you carrot

 **claryfairchild:** disrespect we arent friends anymore

 **aleclightwood:** wait no

 **claryfairchild:** izzy's boobs are nice pillows

 **aleclightwood:** so are magnus'

 **aleclightwood:** wait those are called pecs

 **magnusbane:** you just said i have boobs

 **aleclightwood:** i forgot what they were called for a second

 **magnusbane:** i now have boobs

 **magnusbane:** my entire life has been a lie

 **maiaroberts:** alright its been ten seconds and neither of them have said anything

 **magnusbane:** he knows my weakness

 **aleclightwood:** i kissed him so he'd stop making fun of me

 **aleclightwood:** oh god im gonna be twenty five soon

 **aleclightwood:** im practically dust at this point

 **magnusbane:** i take offense to that

 **maiaroberts:** this thing says "make out and kissing" im

 **aleclightwood:** yes bc making out and kissing isnt the same thing

 **raphaelsantiago:** jace tell your boyfriend to leave me alone

 **jacelightwood:** what's he doing now

 **raphaelsantiago:** he won't stop messaging me to add him back

_**jacelightwood** added **simonlewis** to the conversation_

**aleclightwood:** oh no gotta go back to drinking my cup of piss

 **simonlewis:** um what did i miss

 **magnusbane:** alec is drinking whiskey and he thought it was urine

 **aleclightwood:** watersports

 **claryfairchild:** oh god no

 **aleclightwood:** im a piss slut

 **magnusbane:** he is not don't listen to him

 **aleclightwood:** what is it like to be peed on

 **izzylightwood:** i imagine it wouldn't be pleasant

 **aleclightwood:** it'll be warm

 **simonlewis:** but it'll smell

 **aleclightwood:** magnus

 **magnusbane:** i won't pee on you

 **aleclightwood:** that's not what i was gonna ask

 **magnusbane:** really

 **aleclightwood:** i was gonna ask if u can get pizza

 **jacelightwood:** alec is so needy

 **aleclightwood:** go choke you bleached blonde bitch

 **simonlewis:** ha alliteration

 **jacelightwood:** MY HAIRS NATURAL

 **aleclightwood:** no it isnt

 **jacelightwood:** shut the fuck up 

 **aleclightwood:** magnus is ordering pizza bless

 **maiaroberts:** smh this gc is so lit i forgot to say smth haHAHA OOPS

 **aleclightwood:** who r u ????

 **simonlewis:** ohm y god

 **maiaroberts:** alec shut the fuck up

 **aleclightwood:** ¡¡ stop the violence !!

 **simonlewis:** how did u move the i down like that

 **jacelightwood:** oh my god simon

 **simonlewis:** what did i do now

 **claryfairchild:** how the hell are you smart yet so DUMB

 **simonlewis:** ???

 **aleclightwood:** how did i,, make the i,, low,,, are you fucking me simon

 **simonlewis:** no but im fucking your brother

 **jacelightwood:** excuse me

 **simonlewis:** you brothers fucking me

 **aleclightwood:** ew ?????

 **jacelightwood:** u were just talking about eating out magnus shut up

 **magnusbane:** it is three am and i am stuck with alec who is very. drunk.

 **aleclightwood:** u dont have to keep an eye on me i am an ADULT !!

 **magnusbane:** he just tried to use the cup as a telescope

 **magnusbane:** with alcohol still in the cup

 **izzylightwood:** why are you still letting him drink

 **magnusbane:** i told him he was cut off and he started crying

 **magnusbane:** i am weak willed

 **aleclightwood:** i just thought i'd mention that magnus' thighs are a sin

 **claryfairchild:** didnt you call magnus a walking sin the first time you saw him

 **aleclightwood:** i wouldn't be surprised if i did

 **magnusbane:** he is snuggling into my thighs this shouldn't be this cute

 **izzylightwood:** when you first meet alec he's really stoic and bitchy but then you get to know him and he's literally one of the softest people you'll ever meet

 **aleclightwood:** im not soft im HARD

 **aleclightwood:** ha

 **maiaroberts:** i fucking fell asleep what did i miss

 **aleclightwood:** an invitation

 **maiaroberts:** are we gonna have a problem alec

 **aleclightwood:** what no im sorry

 **maiaroberts:** that's what i thought

 **aleclightwood:** she scares me

 **maiaroberts:** good

 **aleclightwood:** im sleepy

 **simonlewis:** sleep? i dont know her

 **aleclightwood:** sleepy sleepy sleep time magnus' thighs are comfortable and he's warm and he's playing with my hair i am blessed is this what heaven feels like

 **izzylightwood:** that's gay

 **aleclightwood:** im gay

 **simonlewis:** we know

 **claryfairchild:** we know

 **izzylightwood:** we know

 **raphaelsantiago:** we know

 **maiaroberts:** we know

 **magnusbane:** we know

 **aleclightwood:** glad we've established that 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "lying liar who lies" "isnt it funny watching me pretend to be straight" "he's a snack" "stop the violence" "im a good person who's done nothing to deserve this i am soft and deserve love" "fuck you carrot" "im practically dust at this point" "yes bc making out and kissing isn't the same thing" "im a piss slut" "magnus' thighs are a sin" are irl quotes
> 
> follow my ig @clydesdonovan thanks


	11. EAT THE CLOWNS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> special thanks to nina and faith for getting me really inspired for this chapter and giving me a good idea for it and giving me a lot of quotes for it.
> 
> here's a story none of y'all asked for: one time i was drunk and watching sh and the minute i saw magnus i burst into tears

**claryfairchild:** WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS

 **aleclightwood:** IM LOST

 **maiaroberts:** HOW THE HELL DID YOU ALL GET LOST 

 **simonlewis:** GUYS PLEASE THERE ARE CLOWNS EVERYWHERE 

 **jacelightwood:** EAT THE CLOWNS

 **aleclightwood:** MANGOES

 **aleclightwood:** WAIT WHAT

 **izzylightwood:** MANGOES WHAT

 **aleclightwood:** my phone actually despises me

 **magnusbane:** im mangoes now

 **jacelightwood:** MANGOES BOOB

 **aleclightwood:** I MADE ONE (1) MISTAKE

 **magnusbane:** that's two mistakes darling

 **aleclightwood:** i swear,, if one more girl tells me "WOW I LOVE DOGS UR SO CUTE !!373;$" im gonna fucking jump

 **aleclightwood:** why are ppl ignoring my ring 

 **aleclightwood:** do i have to tattoo "IM ENGAGED" on my forehead

 **izzylightwood:** they'll probably think u mean engaged in heterosexual intercourse

 **aleclightwood:** bye

 **simonlewis:** WHERE ARE ALL OF YOU THERE ARE SO MANY CLOWNS IM GONNA KILL MYSELF

 **maiaroberts:** lydia and i are in line for a ride

 **claryfairchild:** of course we all managed to get lost but you two

 **maiaroberts:** bc ur all idiots

 **aleclightwood:** fucking fight me

 **maiaroberts:** i will fuck you

 **maiaroberts:** wait

 **magnusbane:** excuse me

 **aleclightwood:** we're both homosexuals maia

 **maiaroberts:** a comma would've been amazing there

 **magnusbane:** i never thought i would have to fight maia for hitting on alec but,,,, here i go

 **izzylightwood:** alec u got magnus typing like u

 **aleclightwood:** what no he still types like an old man

 **magnusbane:** im sick of the disrespect im not even that much older than you

 **izzylightwood:** point proven

 **aleclightwood:** im trigonometry

 **aleclightwood:** OH MY GOD

 **maiaroberts:** TRIGONOMETRY

 **aleclightwood:** trigofuckyou

 **simonlewis:** TRIGONOMETRISCHE

 **izzylightwood:** TRIGOTHEWHATFUCK

 **magnusbane:** trigoyoureallamess

 **aleclightwood:** OH MY GOD CLARY THIS GIRL RECOGNIZED ME FROM YOUR IG I

 **claryfairchild:** did she hit on u

 **aleclightwood:** SHE SAID MAGNUS AND I ARE ADORABLE AND THAT ALL OF US BEING SO COMFORTABLE AND OPEN ABOUT WHO WE ARE GAVE HER TO CONFIDENCE TO COME OUT IM SOBBING

 **claryfairchild:** AW OH MY GOD

 **aleclightwood:** im inviting her to our wedding mags

 **magnusbane:** she's 100% invited

 **izzylightwood:** ADD HER TO THIS

 **aleclightwood:** KDJKF OKAY

_**aleclightwood** added **alinepenhallow** to the conversation_

**claryfairchild:** HI

 **alinepenhallow:** oh dear this is a lot of pressure

 **alinepenhallow:** im aline 

 **aleclightwood:** y'all pls come come find me i see this group of girls getting ready to come over

 **aleclightwood:** magnus pls

 **magnusbane:** i would if i knew where you were

 **aleclightwood:** im by that really tall ride thing

 **magnusbane:** the one that you literally cried while riding

 **aleclightwood:** we dont talk about that

 **magnusbane:** im almost there

 **alinepenhallow:** im gonna meet my otp bless

 **aleclightwood:** oh god clary i think i found your new best friend

 **claryfairchild:** you and simon are my best friends i dont want more

 **izzylightwood:** clary dont be rude 

 **jacelightwood:** can you believe alec actually hated clary at first

 **aleclightwood:** i still hate her

 **claryfairchild:** you adore me

 **aleclightwood:** eh

 **alinepenhallow:** OH MY GOD MAGNUS CAME OVER AS THE GIRLS STARTED WALKING OVER AND HE KISSED ALEC AND THEY ALL JUST FROZE AND DISPERSED 

 **maiaroberts:** WHY WASN'T I THERE TO SEE THAT SMH

 **simonlewis:** guys im still lost and im surrounded by clowns please help me

 **jacelightwood:** babe they wont hurt you all they do is stare

 **simonlewis:** THEY ARE CROWDING ME

 **jacelightwood:** they smell your fear

 **simonlewis:** HELP

 **aleclightwood:** ffs i see you ill help

 **simonlewis:** bless

 **simonlewis:** alec has saved me he's my new boyfriend jace we're over

 **simonlewis:** nvm magnus just used a lot of colorful words and im scared

 **aleclightwood:** why would i ever be your boyfriend

 **simonlewis:** everyone wants to date me

 **jacelightwood:** probably not

 **simonlewis:** why am i alwaYS GETTING BULLIED

 **aleclightwood:** alright so,, three of us are reunited where are the rest of y'all

 **izzylightwood:** im currently getting food

 **izzylightwood:** and im currently about to be single

 **jacelightwood:** what happened now

 **izzylightwood:** clary just fucking scared me

 **claryfairchild:** im choking she literally threw her icee

 **izzylightwood:** you're buying me a new one

 **claryfairchild:** worth it

 **aleclightwood:** A CLOWN JUST WALKED PAST AND SIMON FUCKING SCREAMED

 **magnusbane:** he literally just walked past us

 **maiaroberts:** guys get the fuck off and enJOY WE SPENT LIKE FORTY DOLLARS EACH TO BE HERE

 **aleclightwood:** magnus is forcing me to go on a ride and im gonna JUMP

 **jacelightwood:** ill plan ur funeral

 **aleclightwood:** it was nice knowing all of you

 **magnusbane:** it was nice being able to be engaged to you for a little it was my biggest dream come true

 **izzylightwood:** that's gay

 **maiaroberts:** alec no

 **aleclightwood:** im gay

 **alinepenhallow:** im gay

 **simonlewis:** those came in simultaneously i hate you guys

 **claryfairchild:** OH NO NOT ANOTHER ONE

 **aleclightwood:** i found my new best friend clary ur out

 **claryfairchild:** fair enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "eat the [clowns]" "mangoes boob" "i will fuck you" "a comma would've been amazing there" "im trigonometry" "trigofuckyou" "TRIGONOMETRISCHE" "TRIGOTHEWHATFUCK" are irl quotes
> 
> Y'ALL GO READ ANGRY HOMOSENSUALS BY @SIREDTOMALEC ITS INSPIRED BY THIS AND ITS AMAZING
> 
> follow my ig @clydesdonovan thanks


	12. yeehaaw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just realized i write a lot of alec and malec in this wow maybe i should focus more on the others im sorry i try to give them all equal amounts then i end up just having a lot of alec
> 
> alright so i was planning on fixing my sleeping schedule and shit but the other night i woke up at ten pm. that's six hours later than the day before. i think im doing this backwards.

**jacelightwood:** that's it im breaking up with simon

 **aleclightwood:** about time

 **raphaelsantiago:** took you long enough

 **magnusbane:** that's not a shock

 **simonlewis:** WHAT IS WITH YOU GUYS AND SIMULTANEOUSLY BULLYING ME IM SICK OF IT

 **jacelightwood:** we were about to have sex

 **lydiabranwell:** that's my cue to leave

 **jacelightwood:** and he was gonna ride me

 **aleclightwood:** we dont need a step by step narration

 **jacelightwood:** he was on top of me and he looked me in the fucking face and whispered

 **jacelightwood:** yeehaaw

 **maiaroberts:** OH MY GOD ALEC JUST SPIT OUT HIS SODA 

 **maiaroberts:** AND MAGNUS IS LOSING HIS SHIT

 **claryfairchild:** LITERALLY ALL OF US JUST COLLECTIVELY LOST OUR SHIT

 **lydiabranwell:** JESUS CHRIST IS THIS WHAT I ALWAYS MISS WHEN IM AT WORK IM QUITTING MY JOB

 **simonlewis:** IM SORRY OKAY IT CAME OUT

 **magnusbane:** how does yeehaaw randomly come out when you're about to ride your boyfriend

 **aleclightwood:** im gonna do that now

 **aleclightwood:** like just right before i come just YEEHAAW

 **magnusbane:** oh yes please that turns me on

 **magnusbane:** slap my ass and yell yeehaaw

 **raphaelsantiago:** why are you like this

 **magnusbane:** yeehaaw daddy

 **raphaelsantiago:** alec what did you do to magnus

 **aleclightwood:** i dont know but im sobbing

 **magnusbane:** im imagining someone getting fucked and just yelling YEEHAAW BITCH

 **lydiabranwell:** OH MY GOD

 **claryfairchild:** IM SCREAMING

 **alinepenhallow:** oh my god what did i walk into

 **aleclightwood:** jace told us how during sex simon said yeehaaw and now magnus keeps making fun of it and i caNT BREATHE

 **magnusbane:** say yeehaaw between my legs

 **aleclightwood:** MAGNUS DKFBF

 **izzylightwood:** we've corrupted him

 **magnusbane:** alexander next time we have sex you cant say anything but yeehaaw

 **aleclightwood:** just moan yeehaaw

 **claryfairchild:** we're all losing our shit ive never seen magnus laugh this hard

 **aleclightwood:** yeehaaw daddy

 **jacelightwood:** are you two drunk

 **magnusbane:** drunk on yEEHAAW

 **maiaroberts:** they're shit faced

 **izzylightwood:** alec, maia and clary are screaming the lyrics to green day pls help

 **simonlewis:** green day is amazing

 **izzylightwood:** they are yelling along to the chant in the live version of bang bang and i just

 **aleclightwood:** NO TRUMP

 **maiaroberts:** NO KKK

 **claryfairchild:** NO FASCIST USA

 **izzylightwood:** oh dear

 **claryfairchild:** yeehaaw

 **jacelightwood:** not again

 **lydiabranwell:** shit magnus is typing

 **magnusbane:** every time i listen to a song and there's a swear in it im going to replace it with yeehaaw

 **maiaroberts:** now i gotta put on eminem just to see how u do this

 **alinepenhallow:** i demand a recording of this masterpiece

 **lydiabranwell:** HE'S ACTUALLY DOING IT I CANT BREATHE 

 **aleclightwood:** _video attached_

 **jacelightwood:** oh my god

 **raphaelsantiago:** jesus christ magnus what have they done to you

 **magnusbane:** im the same person ive always been

 **claryfairchild:** that's deep man

 **magnusbane:** you know what else is deep?

 **raphaelsantiago:** oh no

 **magnusbane:** the ocean

 **aleclightwood:** not where i expected that to go

 **claryfairchild:** luke wont stop calling me hel p he cannot know i am of the intoxication

 **aleclightwood:** ive seen you act sober before u can do it

 **claryfairchild:** not if magnus keeps saying yeehaaw as a reply to everything

 **claryfairchild:** literally i asked him if i could order a pizza and he just said yeehaaw

 **aleclightwood:** ill shut him up just answer the phone before luke decides to bring his ass here

 **alinepenhallow:** why am i worried about what you're gonna do to shut him up

 **maiaroberts:** he's just talking to him about queen

 **maiaroberts:** magnus always seems to gush about them whenever he's asked

 **alinepenhallow:** understandable

 **jacelightwood:** ok so,, its official i am never having sex with simon ever again

 **aleclightwood:** what did he do now

 **magnusbane:** did he say yeehaaw while sucking your dick

 **jacelightwood:** every single time we get into it he just fucking says yeehaaw

 **jacelightwood:** im never gonna get turned on by him again

 **simonlewis:** that's a little overboard j

 **jacelightwood:** no bc now every time we go to have sex im gonna think of you saying yeehaaw and ill just go flaccid 

 **magnusbane:** there's a word for that

 **aleclightwood:** its called an ed

 **jacelightwood:** i dont have an ed

 **aleclightwood:** are u sure

 **jacelightwood:** u keep saying that and you'll have an ed soon bc ill chop off your dick

 **claryfairchild:** that's not what an ed is

 **aleclightwood:** go ahead i dont really need it anyway

 **maiaroberts:** are you finally admitting you're a bottom

 **aleclightwood:** listen i just love being fucked ok

 **lydiabranwell:** oh god

 **aleclightwood:** especially by magnus

 **aleclightwood:** u think he's hot in general wOO just see him in bed

 **lydiabranwell:** it seems alec has gotten to the level of intoxication where he has no filter

 **izzylightwood:** alec already doesn't have a filter

 **lydiabranwell:** yes but its worse now

 **claryfairchild:** still shook over the fact that alec is a bottom

 **izzylightwood:** you've known him long enough you shouldn't be surprised

 **raphaelsantiago:** he just has that face that screams "i love to be fucked"

 **izzylightwood:** that is not what i meant but it works

 **claryfairchild:** are we fetishizing

 **aleclightwood:** smh clary u straight female stop fetishizing my relationship !!!

 **claryfairchild:** listen,

 **claryfairchild:** you can call me anything

 **claryfairchild:** but dont you ever call me straight

 **claryfairchild:** i dont deserve that

 **aleclightwood:** you're right im sorry

 **izzylightwood:** they're literally hugging now i hate them

 **magnusbane:** alec knocked over an entire bottle of whiskey

 **magnusbane:** im about to murder my fiancé

 **simonlewis:** lmao rip

 **aleclightwood:** are we gonna have a problem lewis

 **simonlewis:** yes we are fight me

 **aleclightwood:** alright let's go

 **simonlewis:** ,, you know on second thought

 **magnusbane:** he's already getting ready to go

 **simonlewis:** NO

 **maiaroberts:** alec you're not fighting simon he's fragile and so are you

 **aleclightwood:** i am not fragile. i am heartless. i have no emotions. i am dead on the inside

 **magnusbane:** you cried earlier today over snakes

 **aleclightwood:** THEY DONT HAVE ANY ARMS

 **magnusbane:** you also cried last night when i told you i loved you

 **aleclightwood:** i am just bursting at the seams with love and adoration for you

 **maiaroberts:** what happened to having no emotions

 **aleclightwood:** i have no emotions unless magnus is involved

 **aleclightwood:** in that case i have all the emotions

 **magnusbane:** that was soft wow i love you

 **claryfairchild:** alec's crying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for magnus' "say yeehaaw between my legs" and alec's "yeehaaw daddy" imagine there's the tongue and water drops emojis,, ao3 wouldn't let me add them
> 
> "yeehaaw" "YEEHAAW BITCH" "you straight female stop fetishising" are irl quotes
> 
> follow my ig @clydesdonovan pls


	13. i would shove it up my ass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story is literally so much fun to write i love

**claryfairchild:** guys i still havent washed my shirt i was wearing when i met bebe rexha 

 **jacelightwood:** why haven't you washed it

 **claryfairchild:** bc i hugged her in it

 **aleclightwood:** listen if i hugged sebastian stan i'd take the shirt i was wearing and i would shove it up my ass

 **simonlewis:** but then magnus wouldn't fit in there

 **maiaroberts:** well

 **magnusbane:** maia are you saying i have a small penis

 **maiaroberts:** of course not

 **aleclightwood:** alright

 **aleclightwood:** the rumor about asian men???

 **aleclightwood:** not true

 **claryfairchild:** i mean seeing how loud you are i dont doubt it

 **aleclightwood:** it hits the spot

 **simonlewis:** IT HITS THE FUCKING SPOT I 

 **aleclightwood:** yeehaaw

 **simonlewis:** goodbye

 **alinepenhallow:** did you say that during sex

 **aleclightwood:** i tried but i couldn't say it seriously

 **aleclightwood:** the minute i said it i lost my shit

 **magnusbane:** it was hysterical

 **magnusbane:** he said it so softly too

 **magnusbane:** that might've been the funniest part

 **aleclightwood:** i said it literally as he was going in

 **aleclightwood:** probably the worst idea i ever had

 **lydiabranwell:** did he end up like going all the way in

 **aleclightwood:** yes

 **magnusbane:** yes

 **aleclightwood:** it was slightly enjoyable

 **magnusbane:** yeehaaw

 **jacelightwood:** i actually hate you two

 **raphaelsantiago:** if i have to hear about your sex life one more time i am going to kill myself

 **aleclightwood:** rip

 **magnusbane:** rip

 **izzylightwood:** did you guys really

 **claryfairchild:** at the same time

 **aleclightwood:** yes

 **magnusbane:** yes

 **jacelightwood:** THATS THE THIRD TIME IN TEN MINUTES CUT IT OUT

 **magnusbane:** fuck off

 **aleclightwood:** fuck off jace

 **maiaroberts:** im leaving

 **alinepenhallow:** what kinda soulmate bullshit

 **aleclightwood:** i wanted to be really soft for a second but then all of you would bully me

 **magnusbane:** are you gonna be soft to me? please be soft to me.

 **aleclightwood:** i was just gonna say that im wearing your jacket and your scent is reminding me of you and then i remembered i was lucky enough to be married to you and how much i love you and im sobbing in the middle of walmart

 **magnusbane:** i just choked on my sandwich are you trying to kill me

 **claryfairchild:** izzy why aren't you this soft with me

 **izzylightwood:** im always soft with you

 **claryfairchild:** you literally called me carrot top with tits two minutes ago

 **aleclightwood:** carrot top with tits can you shuT UP AND STOP INTERRUPTING ME BEING SOFT JESUS

 **maiaroberts:** soft jesus

 **aleclightwood:** fuck you 

 **magnusbane:** get your ass home ignore the fact that your sister is a neglectful girlfriend

 **izzylightwood:** clary i love you with literally everything i have and i'd never pick anyone else over you

 **claryfairchild:** are you serious? right in front of my salad? 

 **claryfairchild:** i adore you

 **lydiabranwell:** alright so magnus and alec are constantly soft in here then we have izzy calling clary carrot top with tits, jace calling simon sid from ice age and simon saying yeehaaw in bed, and maia telling me "that seems like a yp you problem not a mp my problem" when i told her i cracked my phone screen

 **lydiabranwell:** how did alec end up better at relationships than any of us

 **aleclightwood:** im not even good at relationships im a mess and constantly fuck up yet magnus deals with my bullshit

 **magnusbane:** yesterday he told me my shirt was the ugliest thing he's ever seen and that i should burn it immediately

 **aleclightwood:** it was hideous

 **maiaroberts:** why would you take fashion advice from a guy who wears the same black shirt every day

 **magnusbane:** ok look at this shirt

 **magnusbane:** _image attached_

 **magnusbane:** what color is this

 **izzylightwood:** gray

 **maiaroberts:** gray

 **jacelightwood:** gray

 **simonlewis:** light gray

 **magnusbane:** alright now alexander tell them what color its supposed to be

 **aleclightwood:** ,,,

 **aleclightwood:** black

 **lydiabranwell:** jesus christ alec

 **simonlewis:** i have a question

 **simonlewis:** alec does magnus wear your shirts

 **aleclightwood:** he doesn't really fit in them

 **simonlewis:** are they too big?

 **aleclightwood:** too small

 **jacelightwood:** WHAT

 **aleclightwood:** have you seen him?? he's broader than i am. he's more muscular. height isnt a factor here.

 **magnusbane:** actually my shirts are big on him

 **maiaroberts:** that's soft

 **aleclightwood:** im literally so bored right now

 **aleclightwood:** looks like its time to just start shoving shit up my ass

 **magnusbane:** why are you still not home yet

 **aleclightwood:** im getting snacks for our buzzfeed unsolved marathon jeez chill

 **magnusbane:** excuse me

 **aleclightwood:** i mean

 **aleclightwood:** ill be home soon baby i don't have an attitude at all i love you

 **magnusbane:** that's what i thought

 **simonlewis:** you're so whipped if i did that to jace he would repeat it with even more insults

 **aleclightwood:** bc magnus could kick my ass,, you're as intimidating as a butterfly

 **lydiabranwell:** a butterfly flew down my throat once

 **aleclightwood:** WHAT

 **maiaroberts:** OH WAIT I REMEMBER THAT

 **aleclightwood:** HOW DO I NOT KNOW THIS 

 **lydiabranwell:** it was five years ago

 **lydiabranwell:** we were at the park

 **lydiabranwell:** and a butterfly flew down my throat

 **lydiabranwell:** and it got stuck

 **lydiabranwell:** and i had to go to the hospital

 **aleclightwood:** waIT i remember i wasnt in town at the time

 **lydiabranwell:** OH RIGHT

 **aleclightwood:** i was told you were in the hospital but i didnt know its bc a butterfly tried to kill you

 **aleclightwood:** ok,, if one more girl gives me her number im gonna jump into oncoming traffic

 **aleclightwood:** IM MARRIED

 **aleclightwood:** LEAVE ME ALONE

 **izzylightwood:** guys on another note

 **izzylightwood:** ignoring alec's issues

_**izzylightwood** removed **claryfairchild** from the conversation_

**maiaroberts:** ohp

 **aleclightwood:** thank god

 **izzylightwood:** i bought a ring

 **aleclightwood:** engagement ring ?????

 **izzylightwood:** no a fucking cock ring

 **aleclightwood:** listen im sick of the disrespect

 **izzylightwood:** yes an engagement ring

 **izzylightwood:** i think its about time

 **aleclightwood:** YES

 **lydiabranwell:** i still find it hilarious how alec and magnus have been together the shortest but got married first

 **magnusbane:** as a wise woman once said: if you like it then you should've put a ring on it.

 **magnusbane:** so i did

 **aleclightwood:** i

 **izzylightwood:** that was stupid why am i laughing

 **izzylightwood:** alright no more engagement talk im adding her back

_**izzylightwood** added **claryfairchild** to the conversation_

**claryfairchild:** fuck off

 **claryfairchild:** what did y'all talk about

 **aleclightwood:** gay things

 **izzylightwood:** alec

 **aleclightwood:** same thing

 **aleclightwood:** i just yelled "im gay" at a girl and she just laughed at me goodbye

 **aleclightwood:** it was nice knowing all of you i am going to stand in the middle of the street

 **magnusbane:** you have savings right?

 **aleclightwood:** magnus you're rich you dont need my money

 **magnusbane:** that's what you think

 **aleclightwood:** wow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "i'd take the shirt and shove it up my ass" "what kinda soulmate bullshit" "looks like its time to just start shoving shit up my ass" "im gonna jump into oncoming traffic" are irl quotes
> 
> follow my ig @clydesdonovan pls


	14. on beat orgies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one took a while ive been kinda tired lately

**aleclightwood:** oh god there's another orgy i cant with this show

 **aleclightwood:** at least the music is good

 **maiaroberts:** are you still watching sense8

 **aleclightwood:** yes and the minute the beat dropped they all just appeared

 **aleclightwood:** i literally screamed

 **magnusbane:** he isnt lying

 **magnusbane:** the beat dropped, six bodies appeared on the bed, and alec screamed 

 **izzylightwood:** on beat orgies

 **izzylightwood:** nice

 **aleclightwood:** im not looking at it im just listening to the song

 **magnusbane:** i looked up and they were all just crowded in a bathroom stall im- 

 **claryfairchild:** i remember one time simon made me watch it and i looked up and all i saw was a penis and i screamed

 **aleclightwood:** do you think i can suffocate myself with pizza rolls

 **maiaroberts:** i,,, don't think so?

 **aleclightwood:** like if i just shove them down my throat will they suffocate me or will they just like soften

 **magnusbane:** why is this even a debate

 **magnusbane:** alright that's it im getting a divorce

 **izzylightwood:** what did alec do now

 **magnusbane:** he came in here with a fake mustache on, ripped it off and said "surprise, hetero. it is i, a gay.

 **magnusbane:** i was very offended that he had the audacity to call me a straight

 **aleclightwood:** he wasn't having any of it

 **maiaroberts:** i did that to lydia earlier today and she just "no" 

 **lydiabranwell:** you and alec are literal idiots i hate you

 **aleclightwood:** how many dicks do you think can fit in an asshole

 **claryfairchild:** im- what

 **magnusbane:** i promise you guys he's sober

 **aleclightwood:** this is a legitimate question

 **simonlewis:** i saw a porn vid where this guy had three dicks in his ass at once

 **lydiabranwell:** ok dick talk im out

 **izzylightwood:** the dicks had to have been small

 **simonlewis:** they weren't

 **aleclightwood:** magnus

 **magnusbane:** no triple penetration

 **aleclightwood:** that's not what i was gonna ask i pick the worst moments to ask for things

 **aleclightwood:** i wanted ice cream

 **jacelightwood:** wait simon i remember that porno he actually had four dicks in there

 **aleclightwood:** that would require a lot of lube

 **aleclightwood:** being gay before the invention of lube must've been a pain in the ass

 **maiaroberts:** oh my god alec

 **magnusbane:** its actually a huge contributing factor to the popularity of olive oil in ancient greece

 **jacelightwood:** the people of ancient greece loved that ancient grease

 **magnusbane:** alec just fell off the bed from laughing so hard

 **magnusbane:** HE SPILLED-

 **aleclightwood:** um it was nice knowing y'all im about to be a victim of mariticide

 **izzylightwood:** magnus please don't kill my brother we still need him 

 **magnusbane:** for what exactly he doesn't do anything but EAT ALL MY FOOD

 **aleclightwood:** excuse me it is our food

 **magnusbane:** my food

 **aleclightwood:** when we got married whats yours became mine and vice versa

 **magnusbane:** are you sure i can't kill him

 **jacelightwood:** i vote for kill

 **aleclightwood:** ill kick your ass jace

 **jacelightwood:** oh my god guys we should go to an abandoned building tonight

 **claryfairchild:** wow im down

 **maiaroberts:** me too

 **jacelightwood:** we all have to go

 **simonlewis:** jace we're not all going to an abandoned building

 **jacelightwood:** we haVE TO there's safety in numbers

 **simonlewis:** yeah well there's also death in numbers jace

 **simonlewis:** its called a massacre

 **jacelightwood:** you suck the fun out of everything

 **simonlewis:** i do not suck the fun out of everything

 **jacelightwood:** FUN SUCKER

 **aleclightwood:** ill go that sounds fun

 **magnusbane:** alec you almost shit yourself when chairman meow jumped onto your lap

 **aleclightwood:** we agreed to not talk about that

 **lydiabranwell:** ill go if you all do

 **izzylightwood:** ill go to keep clary safe

 **claryfairchild:** i can handle myself

 **izzylightwood:** im trying to be cute here smh

 **jacelightwood:** so it's settled we're all going?

 **aleclightwood:** aline are you coming

 **alinepenhallow:** obviously

 **raphaelsantiago:** if you guys die can i have your stuff

 **aleclightwood:** you can have simon's stuff

 **raphaelsantiago:** i don't want his stuff

 **magnusbane:** raphael what have we said about being nicer to people

 **raphaelsantiago:** you never specified simon 

 **magnusbane:** fair enough carry on

 **simonlewis:** jace

 **jacelightwood:** what

 **simonlewis:** i love you

 **maiaroberts:** gay

 **jacelightwood:** i love you too but you literally told me when we woke up this morning, before and after we brushed our teeth, before, during and after breakfast and every five minutes after that until now

 **simonlewis:** ,,,

 **simonlewis:** i love you

 **aleclightwood:** i thought i was clingy

 **magnusbane:** alexander you do the same thing

 **aleclightwood:** you have no proof

 **magnusbane:** i have our text messages that's nothing but you telling me you love me

 **aleclightwood:** okAY let's talk about this abandoned building we're going to

 **jacelightwood:** WOO OKAY

 **izzylightwood:** jace if you walk in there and say "hey there demons. its me. ya boi" i swear i will kick your ass

 **jacelightwood:** okay ruin my fun jeez

 **simonlewis:** this is what white people do jace this is why they all die in movies

 **jacelightwood:** well i am a white so it shouldn't be a surprise that i wanna do this

 **raphaelsantiago:** just let jace go alone he can die in the building

 **raphaelsantiago:** don't drag magnus down with you

 **magnusbane:** im only going for alec

 **aleclightwood:** are u gonna protect me

 **magnusbane:** no im gonna laugh when you shit yourself

 **aleclightwood:** oh

 **izzylightwood:** leTS go already i waNNA SEE SOME GHOSTIES

 **magnusbane:** you're not gonna see any ghosties isabelle they aren't real

 **izzylightwood:** well you know bisexuals, pansexuals and asexuals aren't real either so according to the government neither of us exist

 **aleclightwood:** magnus, izzy, simon, jace and raphael aren't real. 

 **simonlewis:** we're just a figment of your imagination

 **aleclightwood:** i don't want you as part of my imagination

 **jacelightwood:** simon you're pan that's biphobic

 **simonlewis:** jace doNT

 **aleclightwood:** did someone really tell you that before

 **simonlewis:** yes

 **aleclightwood:** let's just go to this building i wanna die already

 **raphaelsantiago:** you know what i'll go i needed a good massacre anyway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "oh god there's another orgy i cant with this show. at least the musics good" "the minute the beat dropped they all just appeared" "do you think i can suffocate myself with pizza rolls? like if i just shove them down my throat will they suffocate me or will they just like soften" "why is this even a debate" "surprise hetero. it is i, a gay." "this is what white people do this is why they all die in movies" "pansexuals, bisexuals and asexuals dont exist" "we're all just a figment of your imagination" "you're pan thats biphobic" are irl quotes and the "death in numbers" thing is from a jimon edit i made
> 
> follow my ig @clydesdonovan pls


	15. (wheeze)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YALL IM BACK IM NOT DEAD !!!!
> 
> im such a failure im so sorry this is so short and it sucks y'all waited all this time for TRASH

**claryfairchild:** guys i dont have a gf anymore

 **simonlewis:** tear

 **aleclightwood:** what

 **claryfairchild:** I HAVE A FIANCÉE !!!!!

 **magnusbane:** did you think you scared us

 **claryfairchild:** i hoped i would

 **jacelightwood:** you would've if we didnt already know

 **claryfairchild:** WHAT

 **aleclightwood:** izzy literally told all of us last night

 **claryfairchild:** W H A T

 **izzylightwood:** sorry 

 **claryfairchild:** you literally ruin all of my fun i cant believe you

 **jacelightwood:** are y'all gonna hyphenate your last names

 **aleclightwood:** lightwood-fairchild

 **magnusbane:** fairchild-lightwood

 **izzylightwood:** those were simultaneous and both are ugly clary is taking my last name

 **aleclightwood:** magnus and i hyphenated ours

 **claryfairchild:** bc lightwood-bane sounds good

 **claryfairchild:** also im not taking your last name you're taking mine

 **simonlewis:** isabelle fairchild

 **jacelightwood:** clary lightwood

 **claryfairchild:** CAN YOU ALL STOP SIMULTANEOUSLY TYPING OUT OUR NAMES ITS WEIRD

 **simonlewis:** we're soulmates

 **jacelightwood:** we're soulmates

 **magnusbane:** we're connected

 **aleclightwood:** we're connected

 **maiaroberts:** what the fuck

 **aleclightwood:** MY LUNGS

 **lydiabranwell:** can y'all get your weird demonic ass connection away from me i dont play with demons

 **izzylightwood:** i swear if you guys fucking

 **aleclightwood:** hey there demons its me ya boi

 **magnusbane:** hey there demons, it's me, ya boi

 **maiaroberts:** hey there demons its me. ya boi.

 **izzylightwood:** fuck

 **claryfairchild:** im wheezing

 **claryfairchild:** wait no-

 **aleclightwood:** (wheeze)

 **magnusbane:** (wheeze)

 **maiaroberts:** (wheeze)

 **jacelightwood:** (wheeze)

 **izzylightwood:** CUT IT OUT

 **maiaroberts:** iconic

 **magnusbane:** alright so alec and i started htgawm, right

 **magnusbane:** im caught up but he's never watched before so im watching with him

 **magnusbane:** at one part annalise like grabbed sam's tie and pulled it towards her

 **magnusbane:** and alec, just out of nowhere, went "WHAT BILLS ARE YOU PAYING TO GRAB MY TIE LIKE THAT"

 **magnusbane:** i have no idea why but it was the funniest thing i have ever witnessed 

 **claryfairchild:** the whole WHAT BILLS ARE YOU PAYING thing has been a joke of alec's lately and i never got why

 **maiaroberts:** i was over the other day and i was making a pizza they had and he just yelled "WHAT BILLS ARE YOU PAYING TO MAKE A PIZZA IN MY HOUSE" and i just ???

 **aleclightwood:** it's like a reference to the whole like "u hear a door slam and u see this wyd" "ask him what bills he paying to be slamming doors in my house" 

 **simonlewis:** OH I KNOW WHAT THAT IS

 **aleclightwood:** YEAH its a reference to that

 **maiaroberts:** have i ever mentioned how fucking much i love south park

 **aleclightwood:** maia what have i told you about staying away from the underage boys

 **maiaroberts:** first of all, im a lesbian

 **maiaroberts:** second of all, ITS A GOOD SHOW

 **aleclightwood:** STAY AWAY FROM THE UNDERAGE GIRLS THEN IK U GOT AN EYE FOR WENDY

 **aleclightwood:** i never said it wasn't

 **aleclightwood:** plus i lowkey have a crush on craig

 **claryfairchild:** ALEC HE'S T E N

 **izzylightwood:** plus that's like having a crush on urself that's creepy

 **aleclightwood:** what

 **izzylightwood:** dude u are like the rl version of craig

 **aleclightwood:** AM I

 **izzylightwood:** first of all yall look alike he's got that same hair u do

 **izzylightwood:** he's also a stoic asshole who hates everyone and everything and rarely smiles

 **izzylightwood:** but is the softest around his lovely boyfriend

 **aleclightwood:** ,,, oh my god

 **aleclightwood:** OH MY GOD

 **simonlewis:** yall i got no idea what u guys are talking about

 **maiaroberts:** um what

 **simonlewis:** who's craig

 **aleclightwood:** craig tucker ?????

 **simonlewis:** ???

 **aleclightwood:** FROM SOUTH PARK ????

 **simonlewis:** i?

 **aleclightwood:** THE SHOW THAT'S BEEN ON SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN

 **simonlewis:** sorry but

 **aleclightwood:** THAT'S IT YOU TAKE YOUR ASS AND YOU BRING IT HERE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE WE ARE GONNA SIT HERE AND WATCH ALL TWENTY ONE SEASONS OF SOUTH PARK YOU BITCH

 **simonlewis:** do i have a choice

 **aleclightwood:** do i sound like im giving you a motherfucking choice

 **simonlewis:** ill be right over

 **maiaroberts:** can i come too i wanna watch sp

 **aleclightwood:** obviously wtf

 **claryfairchild:** CAN I COME TOO

 **izzylightwood:** AND ME

 **aleclightwood:** sp viewing party !!!!!!!

 **magnusbane:** god help me

 **jacelightwood:** am i invited

 **aleclightwood:** no

 **jacelightwood:** i haven't seen south park either

 **aleclightwood:** yes you have you lying fuck we used to watch it together all the time when we were younger

 **jacelightwood:** ,,, right

 **lydiabranwell:** can i go

 **maiaroberts:** duh

 **aleclightwood:** aline are you in

 **alinepenhallow:** obviously tf u think this is

 **jacelightwood:** WOW SO EVERYONE IS INVITED BUT ME

 **aleclightwood:** YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE CALLED ME A FAT ASS KELLY PRICE

 **jacelightwood:** A WHAT

 **aleclightwood:** u are not allowed in our sp party fuck off 

 **jacelightwood:** FINE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "i dont play with demons" "WHAT BILLS ARE YOU PAYING TO GRAB MY TIE LIKE THAT" are irl quotes ( and if u get the fat ass kelly price thing ill love u forever )
> 
> follow my ig @clydesdonovan pls and ty


End file.
